Inaugural 2010 liveblog: sweep, please.


1B: Morneau
2B: Hudson
3B: Punto
SS: Casilla
RF: Cuddyer
CF: Span
LF: Young
C: Ramos
PITCHING: Slowey, Crain, Guerrier, Duensing, Rauch.


So it’s been a while, hasn’t it?  While this blog sat neglected, I was too busy not having cable, so my apologies.  The problem has been remedied, so what time is a better time for unfunny nicknames and uninformed commentary?  NONE!
Can I just point out how excited I am to see Kevin Slowey, AKA my fiance, on the mound today?  Also, he just turned 26 yesterday.
Also, I love Jim Leyland.  It’s a problem.  He’s just so grizzled and awesome.
Things I don’t love: injured Twins (Mauer, Hardy), this terrible weather, the lack of tall-socks on our team.
TOP OF 1st:

Please don’t rain.

1-2-3 inning – I like.

BOTTOM OF 1st (0-0):

Span gets a single.  Off to a good start!

Hudson is walked … apparently Porcello forgot that he was pitching this afternoon.

Of the effing wall for Morneau – a double – and the Twins are ahead 1-0.  My heart is all a-twitter for you, Mr. Canada.

I really want to see Kubel do something amazing right now, or at least in this game.  He’s been fairly “eh” this season so far.  Aaaand … an out.  Aw.

Cuddy bats in Hudson, and we’re ahead 2-0.

Dear skinny Delmon: nice hit, but try making it a homer next time.  Love, Alicia.

TOP OF 2nd (2-0, Twins):

SICK double play, Casilla to Hudson to Morneau.  What?  The Twins make a double play rather than hit into one?  Color me shocked.

Casilla’s got some serious beardage.  Can’t wait to see us play the Brewers and see how he greets his former Dominican man-panion Gomez.

BOTTOM OF 2nd (2-0, Twins):

Robby Inkminasjkdfalkski is such an aggravating little spaz.

Wow, thanks Punto.  Worst bunt ever.

TOP OF 3rd (2-0, Twins):

OH SHI- … huge upper-deck single-run homer for Avila.  And the fans are booing.  Eh, we’ll get ‘em back.

Ahaha, Bert opens a fortune cookie on-air.  “You enjoy using your imagination.”  WHAT?

Slowey nearly beans Jackson. Chin music, anyone?

BOTTOM OF 3rd (2-1, Twins):

Span walked, Hudson hits one that slips past the infielder; Span is thrown out but Hudson makes it in time to avoid a double play.  NICE.

KUBEL!!!!  RBI DOUBLE!!!  HUDSON SCORES!!!  I (sorta) called it!

Twenty bucks Cuddyer can’t do anything this at-bat.

… hm, I must be psychic.

TOP OF 4th (3-1, Twins):

I like how Punto’s black eye-stuff takes up 90% of his tiny face.

AW, HELL NAW.  Homer from Cabrera.  Can we hit a couple homers this game, too?  THANKS.

Weird thought: Slowey always licks his fingers before he throws; I wonder if he’s ever gotten a totally gross mouth full of like dirt or something more atrocious?

Aaaand no more Tiger scoring.

BOTTOM OF 4th (3-2, Twins):

Apparently Ramos isn’t perfect – strikes out.  Kid’s amazing though.  Sorta sad that he’s younger than me, which makes me realize how little I’ve accomplished the past 24 years.  Aw.

WHAT??  PUNTO TRIPLE?!  Casilla scores! 

Span follows it up with a single that gets Punto home.  I LOVE THIS GAME SO FAR!

Span steals second.  THIS IS AWESOME.

Hudson goes to bunt, but is nailed by the pitch.  That can’t be a fun walk to first.

Those little pine trees in the outfield are adorable.

Um, ball four, and Morneau is walked.  Bye bye, Porcello.

TOP OF 5th (5-2, Twins):

Delmon with a beasty catch while wearing nerd-alert sunglasses.

Span with a beasty attempted catch that nails him in the torso and gets a piece of his face.  He had a pretty sweet little almost-somersault there, though.

BOTTOM OF 5th (5-2, Twins):

Eh, stuff happened.

TOP OF 6th (5-2, Twins):

WHY DOES CABRERA KEEP HITTING HOME RUNS?!  Is it because many of his teammates wear tall-socks?  I think so.

Oh God, they’re warming up Crainwreck.

Slowey’s out, and Jesse’s in.  Can I just say that I’m terrified?

Um … but he finishes the inning? 

BOTTOM OF 6th (5-3, Twins):

NICE hit by Span, a double, and Punto moves the third. 

Morneau intentionally walked, and the bases are loaded.  Knowing us, this is our biggest weakness, and I’m officially scared.  Especially with 2 outs and Kubel up.

And my fears were correct.  Sad.  I love J-Koob, but he needs to un-slump himself ASAP.

TOP OF 7th (5-3, Twins):


BOTTOM OF 7th (5-3, Twins):


TOP OF 8th (5-3, Twins):

Cuddyer’s sunglasses are heinous and awesome at the same time.  Good catch, Mikey.

MATTY GUERRIER UP IN THIS! … For like 5 minutes.  Duensing replaces Matty G.

Inge out after he pops up on the first pitch.

Two pitches, two outs: I love you, Brian Duensing.

BOTTOM OF 8th (5-3, Twins):

Let’s do work, boys.

Casilla with a siiiick bunt!  I love that little guy.

Sac hit from Punto, moves Casilla to second.

And apparently Rauch is warming up now.  But will Duensing start the next inning?  OH THE SUSPENSE!

Span called out, and doesn’t agree, but you can bet your life he won’t argue it.

Eh, 3 outs.

TOP OF 9th (5-3, Twins):

Everyone, chant after me: LET’S GO, NECK-TAT!

Fail.  Homer.  Ew.

Dear Jon Rauch: Your tattoos are pretty neat.  I hear you’re pretty tall.  Anyway, please stop not striking guys out.  If you can avoid walks and home runs, I’d be much obliged.  Your pal, Alicia.

Two have been put away … one more … AAAAGH!


FINAL: Twins, 5-4.


Ummm … not sure how this even happened:
Yes … me. And. Joe. Effing. Nathan.

He told me he’s really excited for the new stadium; his arm is coming along well (I called it his “robot arm,” and he laughed); and was basically super friendly and nice.

Totally obliged to take a picture and chat with me, even after a couple other people came up to him a few minutes before.

I will treasure this photo and probably never stop talking about the awesomeness of meeting Joe. Because I’m an annoying nerd. Yay!

Eight more years!




I went to Saturday’s installment of Twinsfest, hoping to catch a glimpse of a handsome set of sideburns or Redmond after he made a triumphant surprise return to the team.  Well, neither of those came true, but I did manage to creepily stalk some other great Twins and creepily paparazzi them until I was escorted out of the building.  Just kidding … kinda.


These are my dilapidated shoes on the field in the ‘Dome.  Yes, the same field that Joe Mauer, Kirby Puckett, Adrian Peterson, and Jared Allen have played.  I’M NEVER TAKING THEM OFF AGAIN.
Perkins, Liriano, and Hardy.  Love Perk’s shirt.
Our backup heartthrob, Mr. J.J. Hardy.
Well hey there, Duensing and Crain.
Duensing was lookin’ SHARP today.
Thumbnail image for morales
You know who’s cute as a button in person?  THIS GUY.  (Morales)
A … DOR … A … BLE.  Slowey, that is.  Harris is okay, too.
Seriously.  I am super excited for him to be back in fighting shape this year.
They actually had to build a separate facility for Fest to fit Jon Rauch in it.  All 700 feet of him.
Oh, I’m sorry, another picture of Kevin Slowey looking fine?  Wait – nope, not sorry.
Morneau suddenly awoke from his Maple-syrup stupor to meet ‘n’ greet fans.  The fans returned the favor with a little thing called “meet ‘n’ creep.”
All in all, it was a good afternoon.  I don’t do the whole autograph thing, since I’m pretty sure if I got the chance to actually say two words to any of the Twins, my tongue would swell up and I’d gurgle and pass out.  Creepily snapping photos from a safe distance will have to suffice!

Be Home Blyleven.

Pretty bummed that this classy gentleman …


… didn’t make the Hall of Fame for yet ANOTHER year.

Next year, Bert. Next year.

Oh, Boof.

What? WHAT?? Boof Bonser is gone?!

The Twins designated right-hander Boof Bonser for release or assignment on Tuesday to make room for Carl Pavano on the 40-man roster.

Bonser missed the entire 2009 season following right shoulder surgery in Spring Training to repair a torn rotator cuff and a torn labrum. The 28-year-old is eligible for arbitration for the first time this winter.

In 2008, Bonser began the year in the Twins rotation but by the end of May had been demoted to the bullpen due to his ineffectiveness. Bonser went 3-7 with a 5.93 ERA that season and has an overall 18-25 record with a 5.12 ERA in 163 career games with the Twins.

Well, I guess it’s good we have Pavano, but … no one can top the name Boof Bonser.  EVER*.


We feel you, Boof.

* Okay, maybe Chone Figgins, simply by the goofy spelling of “Sean” alone.


Fox Sports North is reporting Joe Mauer has just been awarded the AL MVP!

Indians vs. Twins
More details to come after I stop screaming and hopping up and down.
So, this is for real?  The long-running rumors are true?  AWESOME.

Joe Mauer has become only the second catcher in 33 years to win the American League Most Valuable Player Award.”

CHYEAH!  We’re so lucky to have this guy … for now.

“The Minnesota Twins star was a near-unanimous winner in voting announced Monday by the Baseball Writers’ Association of America, receiving 27 of 28 first-place votes and 387 points.” 

Excuse me?  NEAR-unanimous?  Who wouldn’t vote for Big Baby Jesus / Dreamyburns / Man-Muscles / Mauer Pauer?

Jeter had 193 points while Detroit’s Miguel Cabrera drew the other first-place vote and was fourth.”

… WHAT?  Cabrera, really?

“After missing April with a back injury, Mauer homered in his first at-bat of the season and went on to lead the AL in batting average (.365), on-base percentage (.444) and slugging percentage (.587), the first AL player to top all three categories in the same season since George Brett in 1980.”

Bow down, every other player in baseball.

Mauer set a major league record for highest batting average by a catcher and won his third batting title, becoming the first repeat batting champion since Nomar Garciaparra in 1999-00.”

LOL, Nomar!

Mauer set career bests with 28 homers and 96 RBIs, had more walks (76) than strikeouts (63) and batted .378 after Morneau’s season-ending back injury Sept. 12, helping the Twins overtake Detroit for the AL Central title. He was voted to his third All-Star team and won his second straight AL Gold Glove.

Mauer also won a Gold Glove and the Silver Slugger award this year. “

Seriously … Mauer is magical.  He must have had to by an airport hangar to put all of his trophies in.

“He’s got the whole package. He’s an incredible athlete, with incredible leadership skills,” said [former Twins pitcher Frank] Viola. “You don’t even have to say anything to be a leader. That’s just the way Joe is. You talk about anybody worthy of an MVP — there’s nobody more worthy than him.”

If Frank says it, it’s got to be true.

Anyway, this is pretty much the best thing ever.  AL Central champs and now Mauer is MVP.  NICE.

After the dust has settled.

It’s been a while, hasn’t it?

Over a month since the Twins played their last game of 2009, after winning the AL Central title during the most intense tie-breaker EVER, and then falling to the Yankees – a team that apparently could not be stopped this year.

Some SERIOUS BUSINESS has happened since that last game. Some good, some bad, some that we just don’t know until the boys hit the field once more next year.

(By the way, according to my countdown on Dashboard, it’s 4 months and 20 days until the boys play their first regular-season game. OHHH SNAP.)

So, here’s the short version of what’s happened since I took a break from baseball talk after my little heart was broken:


In a move that at once broke my heart and made me thirst for blood, Carlos Gomez, or the only truly insane and consistently entertaining Twin, was traded in exchange for J.J. Hardy, the Brewer shortstop and apparent heartthrob of the team.  NO, THANK YOU.  

First of all, bye bye Orlando Cabrera; sorry you’re being replaced by a dude that was sent down to Triple-A last year for sucking too hard.  Second, of all people in the outfield to be traded, why GoGo?  I mean, there are other Youthful and Outstanding players left in the oUtfield, but there’s oNe that I’m goinG to have to say should’ve been sent elsewhere instead.  So, long story short: I’m bummed, but hopefully the formerly great Hardy will be worth it.


Yes, Lady GoGo is gone, but it looks like the same for Crede and Cabrera, who turned into free agents.  Sure, Crede is good when his back isn’t falling apart, but I guess I am convinced that he just is too big a risk to keep.  Cabrera … man, that one sucks.  He helped SO much with our team, on the field and mentally with the other players.  Seeing him with Casilla and Gomez was such a great matchup, knowing that his veteran-ness was something the guys could look up to and try to emulate.

Other dudes under the risk of hitting the chopping block included Pavano, Cuddyer becoming a free agent after next year, Redmond, and Mahay.  Luckily (and smartly), the Twins picked up Cuddyer for some more time. Meanwhile, Gabino and Huber peaced out, one going to the Orioles and the other to Triple-A.  Also, Buscher was optioned to AAA.  

Oh, and Glen Perkins thankfully stopped his nonsense.  I love you Perk; don’t do that again, okay?


The coolest name on the team, Boof Bonser, and fellow pitchers Pat Neshek and my one true love Kevin Slowey, have come off the DL.  So excited; we need these guys pretty bad right now, and it’s good to see they’re all healed up.

Also, we added Juan Morillo to the team.  Whatever works!


Obviously.  But seriously, Mauer added another Golden Glove and Silver Slugger award to his mantle, which is probably carved out of triceratops horn or something.

Rumor has it, and by rumor I mean my own dysfunctional brain, that JoeyBurns is also very likely to win the AL MVP.  Well, I can only hope, since there was a while last summer where he pretty much single-handedly took on every team we played when the rest of the Twins forgot who they were and what they were doing and thought they were hotdog vendors in the middle of games.  He’s kind of awesome, the kind we need to keep around.


I was supposed to go to the Twins moving sale with one of my friends, but he texted me that morning and was like, “Um, dude, the line is insane.”  Oh, and I also have no money because I’m graduated, awesome, jobless, and live with my parents.  Hey, slow down boys!  One at a time!

So those are pretty much the main things I noticed in the past month.  Other cool stuff I put off writing about until now:

A nice tribute to a craptacular building: This article thinks the only story you need to know about the dome is when that ball gut stuck in the ceiling in ’84 and then Mickey Hatcher, trying to set up a prank where the ball would fall and he’d catch it for an “out,” instead got nailed in the junk by it.  That’s it; see ya, ‘Dome!  But seriously, it’s a good one.

Oh … and more ‘Dome love: Well, by “love” I mean calling it an “abomination.”  So … there’s that.

Okay, guys, we get it: No one liked the ‘Dome, except when it helped them out.  DUH.

Apparently I was the last person to know this: Redmondnudehilarious … and yet my skin is crawling?  

A.J. and Bob Barker:  Okay, this was absolutely the most random thing ever.  I look up from whatever was on TV before this came on, and I see Bob Barker.  Alright.  And then … A.J. PIERZYNSKI

The usual year-end best-of BS: Mentions the awesomeosity of Joe Mauer, and the awesome suckosity of that one game against the A’s.  Oh, and that terrifying bee-attack on the Padres

More (interesting) year-end BS: It was kind of a weird year, huh?

Peep these new unis!: Okay, not terribly different, but I like the new gray ones and the Inaugural 2010 patches.

And last, my new favorite Twins commercial (Span and Nathan kill it, especially Span’s face and Nathan’s “hi!”):

Alright, that’s all, folks.  As more comes up in this already crazy off-season, I will write about it, promise.

And once again, I’m so proud of our boys this year and happy about their final surge of awesomeness at the end.  Next season can’t come soon enough!

A rollercoaster – and not the fun kind.

Wow. Rollercoaster, much? I think all Twins fans have been so up and down in the
weeks leading up to Tuesday’s tiebreaker that after it was over (HELLO, WIN!),
the game against the Yankees
Wednesday was almost unenjoyable.

Reasons I found it to be more annoying than exciting:

 Our poor, poor tired players. Michael
wrote in his
, ‘We didn’t get into New York until very early this morning. I think I got
to sleep around 4:30, 4:45 a.m. — somewhere in there. It was a tough
turnaround.” Um, gross. No wonder everyone seemed listless and  worn

The announcers are truly the WORST.  Not
at their jobs, but at slobbering all over the Yankees
and knowing nothing legitimate about
the opposing team.  I mean, is it normal practice during a Yankees
game to zoom in on Derek Jeter just standing there while someone
like Joe Mauer
take like
four pitches?  Literally, it was Jeter
motionless with a blank face.  HOW
THRILLING!  And the constant bragging about the Yankees
– duh, they’re a great team.  But
when all you got on the Twins is “Man, that Metrodome
was loud on Tuesday” or “Justin
is injured,
and the team is covering for that,” that just shows favoritism and
disinterest, which is unprofessional.

It doesn’t help that we lost.  But
hey, we did the best we could do.  But it just made all those taunts from Tiger
fans, Yankee fans, or whomever, “The Twins can’t beat the Yankees!  EVERRR!” more
aggravating.  Those missed double plays and lack-luster at-bats … aww.  I
don’t like it when haters feel vindicated.

I hate that we had to start at New
Yankee stadium
.  HATE.
 The magic of the Dome
is gone, and there we were, at the most sterile place on Earth.
 I’d like to go there and see if I can prove myself wrong, but … not a
fan.  I hope the Metrodome
on Sunday and it’s raucous fans can spook the Yanks a bit.

Can I just refer to the Yankees as the Skankees from here on out?  Thanks.

aside, I hope that with rest and, more importantly, mental re-grouping, the
boys can pull out a split series tonight.  I want to see these guys fight
like I’m used to – the word “scrappy” comes to mind – and I want to
see fight and heart beat money and more money.


Good luck,
and do work, Twins

LIVE: Game 163 Tiebreaker!

Tigers @ Twins

1B: Cuddyer
2B: Punto
3B: Tolbert
SS: Cabrera
RF: Kubel
CF: Span
LF: Young
C: Mauer

DH: Morales



I don’t think there’s really anything I can say right now that would properly describe my excitement and the feeling in general among Twins fans.

TOP OF 1st:


“He’s very sneaky-fast,” Baker that is, according to announcer dude.  #3 in the league?  NICE!

One out!

That crowd in the dome is NUTS.  And two outs!!

Lowest amount of walks in the league?  Oh man.  I love this team.

Thanks Kubel, for the third out!

BOTTOM OF 1st (0-0):

Looks like CJ Wilson has our back, too: (via Twitter)

@chopper63 don’t worry man I’m sure you guys are reppin the AL in the world series! how awesome is the twins vs tigers gig? go twinkies

 from mobile web  

Ohhhh, yes.

Span lines one to 1st.  Aw.

Cabrera: “Latin Liason.”  I think Gomez and Casilla can agree.


Aw damn, three outs and no score.

TOP OF 2nd (0-0):

All this batting champ talk is making me swoon.  Oh, Mauer.

Frick, lead-off double by M. Cabrera.

Span grabs a fly by Guillen; Cabrera can’t move up.  

Oh no, runners on the corners …

SICK catch by Cabrera for the second out – runner’s can’t advance. AND HE GETS THE CATCH FOR THE THIRD OUT!!!!

BOTTOM OF 2nd (0-0):

Dude, these announcers are bragging up Cuddyer a LOT.  No errors since he moved to 1st, apparently.

DELLLMOOONNNNN!  Oh cute, he and Kubel were co-players of the week in the league last week!  Rightly so.


TOP OF 3rd (0-0):

Span with another catch for an out.  DENARDED, FTW!

My God, I wish I was at that game right now.

WHAT?  Baker walks Granderson??

And the Tigers score.  There will be blood.


Baker gets the last out, and we better do some serious damage this inning.

BOTTOM OF 3rd (0-3, Tigers):

Walk Tobert, Porcello.  I dare you.  Nope, but T gets an infield hit.  Hello, 1st base.

Hope someone can hit a double or better; Tolbert can tear through the bases.

OHHHH, SPAN!  Moves T to 2nd, takes 1st.  Getting Denarded?  Don’t mind if we do.

Sac fly from Cabrera moves Tolbert to 3rd.  And here comes MVP …

TOLBERT SCORES ON A WILD THROW!  But, sadly, nails 1st base coach Jerry White.  I’m sure he’ll understand … 3-1!  GO T!  SORRY, JERRY!

Mauer’s walked.  Shite is hitting the fan, yo!

Aw, two left on base.

TOP OF 4th (1-3, Tigers):

Shake-N-Baker is looking a little … spooked out there.  

Cuddy gets the first out in foul territory.  And a double play for the rest!!

BOTTOM OF 4th (1-3, Tigers):

Dear Delmon Young

I know you’ve been really good lately, and you even hit two homers on Sunday, but I think tonight is the time to definitely hit another one.  Preferably a grand slam.

Best wishes and Godspeed, AM Neubs.

Ugh, 1-2-3.

TOP OF 5th (1-3, Tigers):

I don’t like the feeling of being behind on the second tie-breaker game in two years.  Hey Twins: change that.

Two pop-ups, two outs.  

Nice, quick-ish inning.

BOTTOM OF 5th (1-3, Tigers):

Two up, two down.  SAVE US, BRETT FAVRE!

And Span for the third.  WHYYYY?

TOP OF 6th (1-3, Tigers):


BOTTOM OF 6th (1-3, Tigers):

KUBEL HOMERRRRS!  Porcello is taken out, replaced by Miner.


Two outs, and Tolbert pops up.  NOOO!

TOP OF 7th (2-3, Tigers):

Rauch is brought in after Shake-N-Bake falters.  

Two OUTS!  And … MIJARES is brought in??

Urge to kill rising … rising … RISING … falling … RISING QUICKLY, AS HE PUTS RUNNERS ON THE CORNERS.

Oh nice, Guerrier gets the last out.  Mijares: good luck staying with the team.

BOTTOM OF 7th (2-3, Tigers):




Mauer for a single, and trips when he runs through the base, ADORABLE!

Cuddy ends the inning.

TOP OF 8th (4-3, TWINS!):

Gomez takes over center, Span moves to right, Kubel out.


J-Nate is warming up … scary.

And they bring him in with 1 out and 2 on.  Uhhh …


BOTTOM OF 8th (4-All):

Time for some hits – this game is srs business.

Um, two down, and Tolbert is up.  And down.

TOP OF 9th (4-All):

Leadoff bunter takes 1st.

Two on.

Nathan gets 1st out.  I’m about to cry from al the stress.

DOUBLE PLAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BOTTOM OF 9th (4-All):

Span sac-bunts Punto to second.  It’s honestly impossible to blog this right now.


TOP OF 10th (4-All):

CRAIN. WTF.  At least he got the first out.

BOTTOM OF THE 12th (5-All):


I can’t even believe this just happened – so very very proud!


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